When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
