Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
