Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
