Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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