I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
