Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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