I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
we should paint friendship bongs
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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