just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
