and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
