i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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