Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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