The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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