I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
