He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We're too hungover to prance.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
