My first STD was from a foam party
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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