The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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