I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Send help, water and tortillas.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
