Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
