So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Need sex. Gaining weight.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
