What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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