Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
