Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
