Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Randomize
