STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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