SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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