They should really pass out barf bags in church
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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