did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
