Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
