If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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