I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Are we still banned from the library?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
