if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Someone stole a lamp last night.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
