Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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