Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
In America we eat man semen.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
