I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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