god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
