Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize