My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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