I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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