if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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