I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
