Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
