so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
