Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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