this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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