I am spending my child support on dildos
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
