I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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