I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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