i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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