You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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