why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
