Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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