My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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