i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Randomize
