Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
