Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
