Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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