note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize