Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
