just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My vagina just recognized that song.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
