dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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