i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize