You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
