please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize