Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
