Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
